he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
