he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
