I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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