I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
