My sheets look like a crime scene.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
