I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
