i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
