he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
