Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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