We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
