I cannot find my penis.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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