party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
