I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just had sex on a roof
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
