So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
