last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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