I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
