I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
