I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Such a big mess for such a small penis
soo... how was my night?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
