So gin and wine won't be happening again
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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