I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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