Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
