when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
