Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
