Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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