those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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