just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
