The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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