my phone needs a breathalizer
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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