also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Everyone says I win the strip club
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
