You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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