So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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