I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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