so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
