Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Nicole vs. Life
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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