just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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