hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
