i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
