Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
