$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
