I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I wish there were birth control emojis
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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