alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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