Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
