he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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