I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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