so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
