i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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