Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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