i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
