It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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