you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
