Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
