If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he was CRYING into my vagina
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
