My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
